How an Avatar Wizard Ubered Himself Out of Existence on the Way to the Airport

For those folks who don’t know, an Avatar Wizard is someone who lives with one foot in the transcendental, undefined, non-existent-but-existent absolute source of everything and with the other foot in the world of his or her personal life story creations, most of which are governed by the unconscious, shadowy, life-negating influence of frustrated and incomplete life experiences, until the Wizard uses his or her Wizard powers to transfer that influence back to one’s conscious self for the purposes of saving the world from self-destruction. Now that’s a sentence worth re-reading before going on to the main narrative, which finds three Wizards heading home from the yearly gathering of a few thousands of us doing good things for the world, standing in the driveway of the Ocean Walk Resort in Daytona Beach, each with a strategy of getting our trip to the airport swiftly underway, led by me trying to navigate the Uber app and getting error messages even after giving my fingerprint and a buck fifty to verify that I am a kosher user.

So I tap “Chino,” who is driving a black Mercedes van, and I get another error message, and my two female Wizard companions, who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent, namely me, each has her idea of how this will happen, one, standing off to the side giving advice from afar, the other scurrying around trying to make everything happen effortlessly all at once, and me still getting error messages on my brand new device. Never mind.

So it turns out that “Chino” is actually already there at the Ocean Walk Resort loading up other Wizards for the same journey, and I get a call from this other Uber guy in a Chevy, who quickly pulls up behind Chino’s Mercedes Van, and when Chino, who clearly knows more than I do about what’s going on, waves to me, I wave back like a good friendly Wizard, and head over to the Chevy into which the three of us load our gear and off we go.

It doesn’t take long into our journey, with me intently watching our little dot moving in the screen of my device and the girls chatting away next to me completely innocent of the imminent existential crises we are heading into, when I look up and have two startling realizations separated only by fraction of a moment but nevertheless time enough for me to contemplate my eternal destiny; first, that Chino’s Uber Mercedes is traveling in the lane to the right of our Uber Chevy, moving just ahead of us, and second, that the Uber god (only the big God is perfect, my children) thinks that I and my companions are in the Mercedes Van! I think back on those error messages. Here we are existing in an alternative Uber dimension, which is actually non-existence. Oh, the horror of non-existence, which is why, by the way, we have creations in the first place, because non-existence can’t stand itself as is, and must create, urgently, kind of like teenage boys. There’s a connection there, folks, but never mind.

Now our Uber guy is completely oblivious to the fact that we are an Uber shadow of the Mercedes van, and he is thinking that his device is guiding him to the airport when actually the little dot moving in his device is the Mercedes right next to him.  Being oblivious to the situation is okay with him because he has never driven in Daytona Beach and has no idea where the airport is. He works in Orlando but got a fare to Daytona and just happened to pick up my call for service. So why not? Right. Just happened. He now is unwittingly caught up in a gaggle of Wizards and has no idea that he no longer exists.

So now here I am alone in an alternative universe with immense Wizard powers contemplating my situation while all around me things seem normal. What to do? If I do nothing, we will all arrive safely at the airport but our Uber guy won’t get paid for his service, and Chino, the Mercedes Uber guy, will get paid for something he didn’t do. As we approached J. Clyde Morris Blvd., I made a decision. I discreated the Mercedes van from my universe, the immediate effect of which was a cry of existential horror from our Uber guy, who suddenly finds himself with no passengers and no guidance for getting to the airport. His device is in blue sky. He immediately starts fumbling with his two other cell phones trying to contact his over-Uber guy to rescue him from all of this uncertainty. Meanwhile, in the back seat the girls keep on enjoying the ride and marveling at the beauty of the day, as I, now contemplating my immense power, guide my Uber guy to the airport. I try to explain what has happened, but he is too distraught to grok it. He has only been an Uber driver for two weeks and this has never happened.

As we pull into Departures, he finally contacts his over-Uber guy and tries to explain what is going on, but he is deeply confused. He is not worried about the fare; he is convinced he has done something wrong. Finally, he passes his cell to me, and I, oh how good can it get?! –I get to talk to the over-Uber guy directly, who is actually pretty cool, professional, and fully aware of how the system works, and while the girls stand outside watching me negotiate with the over-Uber guy from beyond, we all decide to pay our Uber guy cash and if when I get home and find I have been charged for the Mercedes ride that never happened, I am supposed to go to the Help section of the Kingdom of Uber app and follow the directions.  But, hey, I’m home safely with a great tale of existence and non-existence, ignorance and knowledge, power and helplessness, and the doorway into the alternative Uber universe has closed. Everybody is home safe and I am whole again. I exist!

Now tell me, dear reader, wasn’t that adventure worth the $5.13 cents Chino and his black Mercedes van got for doing nothing? Priceless. Keep the change, Chino. Till next time.